BBC At The Movies : Supergirl

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Who remembers the film Supergirl? Not many people do, so I’m going to tell you what you need to know about the film. SPOILER ALERT; The film is shit.

The film opens in true 80’s style with shiny credits, ooo la la. The film then takes us to the home planet of Kara (very soon to be Supergirl) as she starts talking with her old friend, the scientist of the planet, who is doing some experiment with a wand type thing which kind of resembles a long dildo. There is an obvious sexual tension between Kara and the creepy old guy known as Zaltar. Zaltar has also stolen a magical ball which powers the planet and also happens to power the dlido resembling wand. Zaltar invites Kara to look at the ball and play with his wand saying to her, “Place your fingers here and press hard”. Moments later, we see Kara sitting spread legged and playing with the wand between her legs. Unfortunately there’s no insertion of any kind. The magical ball then randomly flies out in to space putting the entire planet in danger of losing all power. Kara jumps in a spaceship in pursuit of the magical ball much to the horror of the people on the planet and her parents.

Landing on Earth, Kara flies out of the spaceship in her Supergirl costume. No explanation is giving as to where she got the suit but she does look sexy as she immediately masters her powers and begins frolicking in the woods. As she goes in search for the magical ball, she is confronted by two creepy truck drivers (one of whom is the dad of the next door neighbour kids from ‘Honey I Shrunk The Kids’) who begin touching her up in what appears to be an attempted rape. Naturally Supergirl disposes of them without trouble.

Supergirl then goes undercover at a girl’s boarding school for no apparent reason. This is where we begin to see some teasing scenes. As Supergirl is taken to her room, at the 30 minute mark, the teacher takes her via the bathroom. One girl in the background yells out, “Male on the floor”, to which all the girls run off and hide. It’s a real shame the director didn’t go with adult movie scenario. After a bunch of nonsense chatting and shit, ten minutes later (At the 40 minute mark) Supergirl is in the shower with a bunch of other girls. Once again a tease as there’s not a single tit shot!

At the 66 minute mark, there’s an up-skirt shot on Supergirl which is delicious but there is an “epic” battle I need to explain. The evil witch lady who is in possession of the magical ball Supergirl is after, builds a massive castle, kidnaps some people and is generally a bitch. In their final confrontation, the witch casts some spell which makes the floor fall apart and flames come up. As I sat there watching Supergirl struggle to walk along the falling pavers and trying to dodge the flames coming up between the cracks, it was at this point I started yelling at the T.V. “YOU CAN FLY YOU SILLY BITCH!”
Needless to say, Supergirl saves the day. If you’re looking to have a laugh at a shitty film whilst having some beers with the boys, this is a good choice. If you’re looking to expand you’re horizons and possible uncover a hidden gem, I’d suggest you find the adult movie version of this film…

D-Train

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