AND THE LORD SAID "THOU SHALT NOT WHACK OFF WHILST THINKING ABOUT SCARLETT JOHANNSON"
No wonder so many people are turning away from religion. Not that we think any of our Big Boys Club members would engage in this kind of sinful act, but we thought this was kind of funny anyway.
Ahhhh, Tit Monday...
It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the train, or sitting on the tram, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy.
For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk. Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.
Not that it always falls on a Monday...
Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 September, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.
And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a perky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.
So when will Tit Monday fall this year?
Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.
Only In Japan...
Japanese music fans have been surprised to discover the newest member of one of the country's leading pop groups is a digital mash-up of the other singers.
Aimi Eguchi was announced early last month as the latest member of AKB48, a popular group with an ever-revolving roster of singers, the Washington Postreported.
Aimi made her debut appearance in an advertisement for Ezaki Glico lollies, a rapid promotion given that product endorsements are usually reserved for more senior members of the 62-person group.
Aimi's sudden fame raised the suspicions of fans used to seeing AKB48 members rise through the ranks based on the support of fans in an annual Idol-style competition.
Days later Ezaki Glico admitted to the hoax, revealing Aimi's flawless appearance was a composite of three other members of the group.
SAY WHAT NOW?!
It's a sad fact of life that sometimes man's best friend has to lose his...ummmm...manliness. Since the dawn of time, our furry companions have walked alongside us, ashamed at their lack of balls, and resenting us for taking them.
Forget your iPad's, electric cars and widescreen TV's. Arguably the most reveered invention of this century so far has been Neuticles...fake balls for your dog.
Want your best mate to have a larger knads than he was originally graced with? Then grab yourself an extra large pair! You can use them as spare golf balls. Fancy a smaller pair? No problem! If you get bored, you can play with them like a make shift Newton's Cradle.
Seriously. WTF?!Neuticles Website